My son had his fifth birthday recently. We had a lovely celebration with grandparents, family and friends. The weekend was spent in a bubble of love.
It was a bittersweet weekend of me, spending most of it in a reflective mode. On one hand in complete awe (and a bit of sadness) that my baby is five! But on the other hand, complete gratitude for my journey so far. My journey in motherhood has not been easy. But every difficult moment and every lesson learnt was exactly what I needed in that moment.
I have spent most of my life in a deep feeling of loneliness. Even at times, surrounded by people, I would still feel like the only person in the world. This feeling affected relationships and my self-esteem. I remember spending my New Years Eve awaiting 2018, praying to God for my soulmate, a person who will bring me so much love that I will never feel lonely again. My intention was obviously a partner, little did I know that person would be my child.
From the moment I saw the word “pregnant” on the little stick that changed my life, I felt an enormous amount of love, gratitude and peace within myself… until I started to tell others. Naturally, the first person I told was my son’s father. We were already in a strange place in our relationship and actually in the process of breaking up, so this was an absolute shock to him (understandably) his reaction was valid, he questioned whether it was mine and accused me of making up stories. I was offended at the time but again, understandable. Once we all processed what had happened and that it is in fact our child. We all started to feel some excitement. Until I told my family…
This started a cycle of judgement, criticism and outright abuse that still plagues me to this day! Funnily enough, in my journey at least, the “single motherhood” part of it wasn’t the most difficult, it was the judgement and opinions of others! My parents, in particular my mother, was never able to grasp the concept of a single mother. I don’t blame her, it is our cultural conditioning that is embedded in patriarchy that a woman “needs” a man to survive, to function, to be accepted in society. And in a culture with such a rich faith in goddesses embodying the feminine energy such a Devi Ma, Kali, Parvati and Lakshmi, it is women who we, as South Asians, disempower the most.
This was beyond evident during my pregnancy. This beautiful time in my life was overshadowed by the judgement of conceiving out of wedlock and then eventually becoming a single mother by escaping abuse. It started off during my time working at the Department of the Prime Minister and Cabinet, I had initially kept my pregnancy a secret during the early days, but morning sickness and nausea made it difficult to hide and eventually I had to tell management of the news. As I was on a contract, I noticed that the treatment towards me changed dramatically. I wasn’t included on certain tasks and projects and there was this overwhelming feeling of being “pushed out the door” until it happened. Soon after I let them know of my pregnancy, I was called into a meeting where I was told that I will be let go. This caught me completely by surprise and although they legally did not do anything wrong as I was technically on a contract, it was a low blow move. I remember my manager at the time even trying to make light of the situation saying, “at least you have time to attend your appointments now”. That is something I will never forget.
It was a given that the father of my son was not truly ready to be a father. And with me now out of a job, he also got pressured to become a person he wasn’t capable of being and that frustration and resentment was taken out on me. I did not deserve the treatment I received from him in the least, let’s just say I was abused in every way a person can be abused by him all while I was pregnant, but I do forgive him. I understand the pressure and even judgement, he was under at the time as well. We both did not anticipate getting pregnant, so it truly put our hopes and dreams for the immediate future to a halt.
Following our move from Canberra to Sydney, we settled into a place of our own. Unfortunately, that place was destined to be our home for only 3 months, and we separated very dramatically, involving authorities, AVOs and court orders when I was 7 months pregnant. This led me back home to my family of origin, the lesser of two abusive homes. There I was subjected to more verbal, emotional and religious abuse from most of the people around me (minus some absolute gems who quite literally held me during those moments). My trauma was dismissed by counsellors and people of authority (including a police officer who victim blamed me), religious figures and the cherry on top, getting physically assaulted one week before giving birth.
I gave birth to Ezekiel via an emergency c-section after almost 10-12 hours in labour. I personally believe that the stress that surrounded my entire pregnancy and the resilience I desperately held onto finally caught up with me during my moments of labour, where I was my most vulnerable, after months of pain and suffering, the one moment I was meant to muster up all my strength to bring life into this world, I simply couldn’t. I had nothing left. So, I am beyond grateful and proud to be able to receive the help I needed to deliver my child safely.
The moment he was put into my arms, the recent past, the pain and hurt I felt during my pregnancy, all faded away and replaced with pure love and awe. Awe that this person was entrusted to me, grown inside of me and in a cocoon of love and safety deep within my body when my reality was anything but safe. He is a survivor just as much as I am.
The first five years of Ezekiel’s life have been filled with the most incredible moments and adventures. He has brought a joy in my life that I never knew existed, to the point where everything that happened before just simply does not matter anymore. I work hard to break the cycle of generational abuse every day and to ensure he does not receive even 1% of the treatment I have throughout my life. We have grown up together, discovered ourselves together, travelled both locally and to foreign countries, moved homes, learnt new skills and stepped out of our comfort zones together. We truly are the best of friends. To see him happy makes me happy. To see him discover his likes and dislikes, strength and weaknesses, seeing him navigate emotions and challenges with acceptance and gratitude brings me such a beam of hope. Hope that whatever challenges we may face, however big or small they may be, all that I need is within me, I am exactly what my child needs and I have survived the most difficult moments of my life, alone, while growing a baby inside of me. I am superwoman! 🦸🏽♀️
Happy 5 Years of Single Motherhood to me! 🥰